We Never Cry For Love (We're Superheroes)
by Trollmela
Summary: After Civil War, Tony Stark retreats to the tower and the Avengers Initiative is history. That doesn't prevent Spider-Man from visiting, and suddenly Tony finds himself playing mentor, dealing with injuries and superfamily jokes (which really aren't funny.) (gen, warning for alcohol abuse and swearing)
_"...where Tony Stark has just announced his retirement from the Avengers initiative. In a press conference he revealed that he would no longer be on call as Iron Man. However, he reserved himself the right to fly the Iron Man armor outside of combat situations, and stated that he would not give the armor to another pilot. The UN has not reacted publicly yet, but whether the Avengers initiative will survive without Tony Stark's support and involvement is more than questionable-–"_

"I suppose it was inevitable," Aunt May declared and switched the TV off. "Peter, you look shocked?"

Peter _was_ shocked.

"I suppose Tony didn't tell you anything about that when he talked to you recently. By the way, what was that about? Was it an internship or a science project?"

"Oh that! It was... kind of, you know, a mix. I don't know, I might be at SI at times, I'm not sure. We said we'd talk about it more at another time." His head jerked around. "Wait a minute, you call him _Tony_?"

His aunt smiled. "He offered, I could hardly resist."

Peter threw his hands up. "No, wait! Yes, you absolutely have to resist! Tony Stark has a _reputation_ , and you're my _aunt_!"

"And an adult, unlike you! You should be on your way to bed, you have class tomorrow. As every day of the week save the weekend."

Peter gave her a mulish look, not appreciating her change of topic at all.

He didn't blame Mr. Stark for retiring. As one of the last active Avengers, he would sooner or later have been tasked with hunting down his former team mates. It shouldn't hurt Peter so much that the Avengers were broken.

* * *

Peter laid low the next couple of days, until he decided that Tony would hardly have given him the Spider-Man laser signal if the man had wanted to deter him from being a superhero. He went back on patrol, and he ignored the fallout from the Accords.

Of course he swung by Avengers tower at one point. Of course he noted the light in the penthouse and Tony Stark sipping a drink while staring into the night.

Peter dropped down on the balcony. Even though Stark appeared to be looking in his direction, it took Peter thumbing his fist against the glass for the other man to actually _notice_ him. He smelled like booze and looked like he wasn't sleeping enough, but he had put the drink down at least, so Peter continued to impose his presence.

"Hi, Mr. Stark! I thought you lived upstate with Vision and Colonel Rhodes?" Peter asked.

Stark shook his head. "Only on weekends. Still got a company to run. How is the suit? Anything need improvement?"

"Nope, it's really good! Thank you, Mr. Stark, for making this, really-"

"Yeah, much better than the spandex, right?" Stark smirked, but it looked hollow.

"Totally."

Peter learned not to ask about a lot of things.

And Tony learned that maybe he wasn't completely useless in this world.

It became a thing. Spider-Man would drop by the tower from time to time, and they would talk about science and suit improvements, and Tony wouldn't drink for as long as Peter was there.

Most people would break out in hysterics if they knew that a teenager was patrolling the mean streets. Tony might, if he thought about it too much, so he didn't. He had recruited Spider-Man because he had known that Peter wouldn't stop being a superhero even if someone had asked him to. He had his own personal experience to prove it. So he never asked Peter to stop and instead tried to make sure that Spidey didn't go splat before the age of eighteen. Sometimes, that involved an icepack.

And one day it involved Spider-Man nearly dropping flat upon landing on the Iron Man platform with a bullet graze in his side.

"Kind of beat up here, Mr. Stark!" He called. Tony was already jogging towards him.

"Don't you have an aunt—a really hot aunt—who takes care of you?"

"Sorry, Mr. Stark, it's a little more than bruise. It's more like a bullet hole, although not really, maybe just a graze, but can you, like, help?"

Tony's eyes widened.

"Fuck. Disclaimer: I'm drunk."

That was very true; Peter could smell the whiskey, and Tony didn't look that hot either. Peter said at least half of that aloud.

"You used to look so much better without the drinking and with sleep and all..."

"Yeah, word of advice from the elderly: don't start drinking at your age, or you might never kick the habit."

"Thanks, I'll try to remember. Back to my bleeding problem, I just need bandages or something! And my suit needs stitching. I can do the first myself and the second can wait until you're sober."

"There's a med bay, a few floors down, for official Avengers business."

Inexplicably, the kid perked up. "Great! I've always wanted to get a tour of the tower!"

Tony hadn't been down there since the second generation of the Avengers had formed and moved to the compound. Like Thor's and Bruce's rooms, he hadn't touched anything; he was grateful for that now, because this way Peter could sit on a chair while Tony suppressed his drunken shakes well enough to clean the wound and slap a bandage on it. Gently, of course.

"Do you heal faster?"

"Yeah, this should be mostly healed by tomorrow. But if I drip blood all over our bathroom at home, I'm in deep trouble. Besides, I was closer to here than my house."

"And here I thought your turf was Queens… I suppose you can stay here; we have enough space. You'll need to call your aunt though, unless you're planning to sit at the breakfast table in the morning like usual."

"Thank god it's not a school night! And thanks, Mr. Stark!"

* * *

One awkward phone call to Aunt May later, Peter was sitting in the Avengers' kitchen and devouring Pop-Tarts.

Tony had checked the best by date just in case, but they were still good. Peter looked like he had missed a meal, but Tony suspected that he either had a fast metabolism not unlike Steve, or he was just a freaky teenager who was always hungry. Perhaps it was even a combination of both. Tony had decided to order pizza, the Pop-Tarts were just to tide the teen over.

Peter took a look around the Avengers' kitchen and living room. He could well imagine everyone hanging out here, eating, talking, having fun.

"Wow, is that a Wii? _And_ a PlayStation? _And_ an Xbox?" He burst out. "The TV is super huge, too!"

"Yes, that's a Wii, and a PlayStation, and an Xbox," Tony replied wryly. "Obviously. We need to work on your basics in technology."

Peter ignored him and checked out the box of the game lying on top of the TV stand, half open as if someone had used it just recently.

"Who was the mum?" He couldn't resist; he had been doing so well with not asking, and now it had slipped out. Peter blamed the painkillers. But, in for a penny... "I kind of imagine you as the cool dad, and I guess that would make Captain America the mum?"

Tony rolled his eyes.

"I suppose the shoe fits. He was all strict and goody two shoes in public, calling us out for bad language on the comms, and behind my back he was a lying bitch, so... I guess, maybe."

Peter squinted at him. "I know you have good reasons to hate him; or I hope you do because, obviously, I don't know them. But let me tell you, it's pretty awkward to listen to you talk bad about my stepmom."

"Totally ignoring the image here of me as you _stepdad_ , which is frankly horrifying, I think the story is that I adopted you _after_ that relationship ended. So I'm not sure Rogers still qualifies as your stepmom. You should be on my side."

"I was. I _am_. But, you know, when stepmom comes back–"

"Stepmom isn't coming back." Tony's look as he said that only made Peter feel worse about even starting on this topic.

Peter swallowed. "You sure?"

"Yeah. I'm definitely sure. He isn't coming back."

This time Peter kept his mouth shut. Tony gave him a look that was entirely too intense.

"Now that I think about it, shouldn't Romanov be your mom? You've both got the arachnid thing going on."

Peter's eyes widened with glee. "Oh, yes!"

Some day, Tony was going to teach the kid about self-preservation. He already knew that he would need to take the "do as I say, not as I do" approach for that.

* * *

 _I suppose this is the wrong place to say that I have two more stories in this universe in the works?_

 _I hope you enjoyed, reviews are always welcome._

 _EDIT: I've posted the sequel "The Sexual Harassment Case Against Deadpool"._


End file.
